Ninja Granny
by UmbreonGurl
Summary: If there's one thing that's true in every universe, it's that you don't mess with angry old people. [Very AU, shenanigans galore. Crackfic. Grandma OC]
1. Chapter 1

Natsuki Torakani's not as young as she used to be. Her joints ache, her skin has wrinkles, and her hair has turned grey. Her hearing, though, is still as good as ever. In fact, she'd argue it's far better than most people's. Years of chakra enhancement, combined with natural talent have given her the ability to hear what most people cannot.

During the war, waking up at the slightest noise was useful. God knows it saved her skin many times. But now, when she's retired, missing a leg, and trying to get some _goddamn_ sleep, being woken up by every ninja who steps foot on her roof isn't ideal.

Natsuki's building is in the middle of an easy path to Hokage tower. Despite this, she has made it extremely clear that if it is past nine and earlier than seven, you stay the _fuck_ off of her roof.

When people didn't listen, she started setting traps. Nonlethal, but humiliating nonetheless. That cleared things up for a while, until the latest group of academy students graduated.

The majority of Jonin-sensei simply don't bother to tell their students to avoid her building until _after_ they've set off her traps and interrupted her sleep. Much to her dismay, it's become a rite of passage of sorts.

"The kids should have paid more attention to their surroundings." they say, "It'll teach them a lesson."

She does admit that it does serve as a learning experience. Better to learn to be more careful now, in the safety of the village, before they set off a trap in enemy territory that _will _kill them. However, it doesn't make her any less annoyed when she is woken up at 3am by yet _another_ kid getting caught.

* * *

When she gets upstairs to the roof, Yukimura, her ever faithful companion, is already there and attempting to scare the shit out of whatever poor, unfortunate soul is frozen in place by some well placed seals.

Honestly, god bless Mito Uzumaki. Mito-sensei was an artist when it came to seals and an absolutely brilliant woman. She was the best teacher Natsuki's ever had, hands down. Hiruzen can go suck a dick, Tobirama was _not _better than Mito.

"Yukimura, stop terrorizing the kid," she says, giving him an exasperated look.

He pouts—at least as much as a cougar can, anyways. "You always ruin my fun." he says, giving her a catty grin. "Look at him! He's like a little baby! Kid doesn't even look to be out of the academy yet."

"Oh boo-hoo, you spoiled fleabag. Go find your entertainment somewhere else."

She shoos Yukimura away before taking a closer look at the boy, who is getting redder and angrier by the second. "Shit, Yukimura," she says, "You weren't kidding. He really _is _only a baby."

"I'm not a baby!"

She ignores him. "God, what are you, six?"

"No, I'm _nine."_

It isn't often academy students end up at her mercy. Most of them who aren't from clans don't have the skills or the know-how to be jumping across the rooftops. And for those that _do_ have the skills to do so, academy students aren't usually the type to be up and running about in the middle of the night.

From his black hair, black eyes, and the fan displayed on his clothes, it's glaringly obvious he's an Uchiha. Really, she shouldn't be surprised. The Uchiha have always been a clan well known for prodigies. (And weirdos, but hey, who was she to judge?)

"So, boy." she says. "Want to explain what you're doing on my roof at three in the morning?"

"I was going home." he grumbles. "From… uh…training."

Natsuki raises a brow. "And you weren't doing so at your nice, clan-owned training fields?"

"Uhhhhh… no?"

"This… '_training'_ of yours wouldn't have anything to do with the glitter you've got there, does it?" she asks as she disarms the seals.

"Crap!" he says. "Naruto's gonna kill me for getting us caught!"

And suddenly, everything clicks. Every time Natsuki visits Kushina and her family, it makes her feel old. It feels like just yesterday Kushina was a little genin grinning up at her and calling her Natsuki-sensei. Naruto is always eager to tell her about the day's adventures with Sasuke. It's honestly pretty cute. Natsuki's never actually met Sasuke before (somehow), but she'd bet her savings that the kid in front of her is him.

"You must be Sasuke," she says. "Naruto never shuts up about you. I'm guessing he forgot to tell you to avoid my building, didn't he?"

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

"Hi, Granny!" says Naruto, grinning. "Sorry about Sasuke wakin' ya' up. I kinda' maybe forgot to tell him to stay off of your building. I meant to, though, I swear!"

"I don't suppose your parents know you two are out right now, do they?"

"Uhhhhh… nope. Mom would kinda' flip out if she knew what we're doin'. Dad probably wouldn't approve either, but compared to Mom..." Naruto shrugs. "You get what I mean."

"My parents would be… displeased… to say the least," says Sasuke. "I still can't believe I let you talk me into this, Naruto. You think Aunt Kushina is scary when she's angry, but compared to my mom?" He shudders. "That's nothing."

"So, who are you going to glitter-bomb this time?" she says.

Naruto gives her an affronted look. "Who says we're glitter-bombing anyone?"

Sasuke elbows Naruto, giving him a glare that clearly says "_shut up before you incriminate us_".

"Naruto, I know you well enough to know what you'd likely be doing with glitter at three in the morning." says Natsuki, amused. "Also, you've glitter-bombed two people this week _alone_."

"Fine. So what if we are glitter-bombin' someone?" Are ya' gonna stop us?"

Natsuki chuckles. "Are you kidding? I'd be a hypocrite if I did. I used to be _quite_ the prankster when I was your age. Now please, tell me you have some paint to go with that glitter, because using glitter on its own is the work of an _amateur_."

* * *

A/N: I'm back on my crackfic bs again. Have fun. Also this is AU as hell. Fair warning. This is likely gonna be a one shot, but if the inspiration flows, more will be added. (Also this is unbeta'd we die like men kthx)


	2. Chapter 2

Beta'd by: Tavina

* * *

When Hiruzen shows up at her door, Natsuki isn't at all surprised to see that he is covered from head to toe in the pink paint and rainbow glitter she provided the boys with. (Using regular glitter is so _boring_.)

"So you taught them the paint trick, huh?" he says.

She gives him a shit-eating grin. "Of course I did! Did you expect anything less?"

Hiruzen sighs. "I suppose this is revenge for the takeout incident?"

"Nah. This one's just for fun," she says. "I know you could have stopped the kids if you wanted to."

The smirk that spreads across her face makes Hiruzen uneasy. That was her '_you messed up my shit, and I'm going to enjoy messing yours up in return_' smile.

"We have something _special_ planned to get you guys back for the takeout incident," she says. "Hanbei and Kanbei are still mad they're on the Naoki's delivery blacklist because of that, you know. I'm sure you're already well aware of what happens when you get in between two Uzumaki and their favorite food."

Yukimura cackles. "Mad is an understatement. They're absolutely _pissed._ I would have thought you'd learn not to piss them off after last time. Just be grateful they're not completely banned from the restaurant, otherwise I'm not sure anyone would be able to find your body, old man."

* * *

Naoki's Noodles is a favorite gathering place of Team Mito, and has been for well over fifty years. Hanbei and Kanbei swear by it. By now, Natsuki knows better than to try to convince them to eat somewhere else. It doesn't stop her from hoping, though. Natsuki does love the noodles, but she cannot for the life of her figure out how the twins are able to survive on virtually nothing else.

"I heard about what you got some kids to do to Hiruzen," says Hanbei, taking the stool beside Natsuki, waving at whoever's working—likely Naoki's grandson, Daiki—to get him the usual. He gives her a thumbs up and a grin. "I approve."

Kanbei takes the seat on her opposite side, glancing up at the sign with their names on it that says "No Delivery".

"As great as the kids' prank is, we're still going to get Team Tobirama back for that, right?" says Hanbei, pointing. "Because Koharu and Homura are still lording it over us every time we see them, and it drives me _insane."_

"Hell yeah we are. The kids were just a warm up! Do you guys have the seals done for your part?" Natsuki pulls out a small scroll from her pocket and sets it on the counter. "I've got mine ready to go , but figured one of you guys should proofread it, just in case, to make sure I didn't accidentally mess anything up. I sometimes forget stuff with multi-layered seals like these. My memory isn't quite what it used to be, you know."

"Oh, shut up. We're older than you are, we all know that excuse is bullshit." Kanbei grabs the scroll and reads it over. "You forgot a comma here," He says, sliding it back over to her and pointing at the spot where the comma needed to be. "Other than that, looks good to me. The activation conditions you set up should work well to make sure the seals hit their intended targets. I'm assuming you've already linked it to their chakra signatures?"

"Yep," she replies, giving a quick nod of thanks to Daiki (she was right, he _is _working today) as he sets a steaming bowl of noodles in front of each of them.

"SENSEI!" Natsuki turns and looks to find an angry Kushina rapidly approaching.

"Oh, shit! She's _really _mad," says Hanbei, taking a bite of his noodles."What'd you do to piss her off this time?"

"You know those kids that pranked Hiruzen?" she says, casually pointing her chopsticks towards Kushina. "One of them's Naruto."

Before either of them get a chance to reply, Kushina is upon them.

"Natsuki-sensei, I don't suppose you had anything to do with my son's little…_excursion_ last night, did you?"

Kushina is downright frightening when she's angry. But when you've known someone since they were a child, you tend not to be as worried.

"They were already doing it on their own anyways," says Natsuki, continuing to eat, unbothered. "I just helped them pick a target in exchange for a little of my expertise. Besides, I taught _you_ the same shit when you were Naruto's age. It's tradition. I can't _not_ teach it to him."

Kushina takes a moment to think. "You know, you've got a point there. It's not really the pranking part of it that bothers me. It's more the running around at three in the morning part of the shenanigans last night that bothers me. He couldn't have waited 'til the morning to glitter bomb people?" Kushina sighs, taking a seat at one of the open stools. "I swear, poor Minato's going to have a heart attack one of these days. He thinks we've _corrupted_ his poor, innocent son."

At that, Kanbei snorts. "_His_ son? If Naruto didn't look so much like his pretty boy father, I would've assumed you had him on your own. Like a clone, except... a boy."

"Oh, come on. I wasn't that bad as a kid, was I?" she says, waving at Daiki to get her a bowl as well. (On their tab, of course.)

"Of course you were." Hanbei grins at Kushina, giving her a pat on the back. "You wouldn't be an Uzumaki if you weren't."

* * *

Tsubaki the serval is willing to do almost anything when bribed with high quality meat. (These days, she is willing to do almost nothing without a bribe.) That is why when she slinks back in through the window, Natsuki already has a large piece of high quality tuna waiting on the counter for her.

"I assume everything went according to plan?" says Natsuki, glancing up from the latest edition of _Konoha Weekly_. (She finds gossip magazines to be hilariously trashy, but entertaining nonetheless. Truly, this week's article about Danzo and Hiruzen's secret love affair was _riveting_.)

"Of course it did," hisses Tsubaki, "I'm not a big, dumb brute like Yukimura is."

Yukimura, who has been dozing by Natsuki's side, cracks an eye open to glare at Tsubaki and mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "_bitch."_

Tsubaki grabs the fish and, with a huff, hops onto the windowsill to sit in the sun and enjoy her meal.

"Hikaru!" Natsuki hollers, and a few moments later, a cheetah trots into the room.

"Am I on messenger duty again?"

Natsuki gives him a few quick scratches under his chin. "If you don't mind."

Hikaru smiles. "I don't mind at all, especially if you've got more of that tuna Tsubaki's chowing down on."

"I'm not sharing," says Tsubaki.

"Yeah, yeah, you brat. I bought some extra for the boys too. You don't have to share," says Natsuki. "Hikaru, run over to Hanbei and Kanbei's place and tell them I said that Operation Rainbow Clown is a go."

* * *

A/N: Since Kakashi's got like eight dogs, other people can have ninja animals that live in their apartments too. It's AU, nothing will be stopping me from letting Natsuki be an old, ninja cat lady. I decided I didn't want just cougars, but didn't want to go too diverse so I stuck with animals in the same subfamily (Felinae). As a result, we get Yukimura the sarcastic cougar, Tsubaki the standoffish serval, and Hikaru the bubbly cheetah.


	3. Chapter 3

Beta'd by: Tavina and Fishebake

* * *

When Hikaru returns, Hanbei and Kanbei are with him. They hop in through the window one after another, like a nice, unorganized ninja conga line.

Hikaru nods at Natsuki, before running off into the other room, presumably to go curl up on her bed.

Hanbei makes himself at home right next to her on the couch, while Kanbei walks to the kitchen and starts raiding her fridge.

"Y'know, I _was_ going to eat that, but you go ahead, Kanbei. You mooch." She sets her magazine down and points at the container of leftovers he is rapidly emptying.

"Oi, Kanbei, grab me some of those chips I bought last week, the garlic ones!" Hanbei hollers, putting his feet up on the coffee table.

Kanbei manages to get out a muffled "Gimme' a minute!" around a mouthful of food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, Kanbei," Natsuki gives him a disapproving look, then turns and sees Hanbei's feet on her table. "Hanbei, get your dirty old feet off of my coffee table."

"I _bought_ this table for you," says Hanbei, "I can put my 'dirty old feet' on it if I wa-" He cuts off when Natsuki kicks his feet off the table with her good leg and picks her magazine back up, opening it to where she left off.

"You may have bought it, but it's still _my _table, asshole. Unless you plan to clean my house for me, keep your fucking feet off of my table." She huffs, turning the page.

"Jeez. Somebody's cranky. At least you didn't throw your peg-leg at me this time."

Natsuki looks up over her magazine. "Ok, first of all, does this look like a peg-leg? It has _toes._" To prove her point, she wiggles them. "Those Suna-nin may be assholes, but even they deserve credit where credit is due. They make _damn_ good legs."

Kanbei tosses over a bag of chips and Natsuki catches it, passing it to Hanbei, who promptly opens it and digs in.

"Second of all, I might, so don't tempt me." Natsuki reaches over and grabs a chip out of the bag, ignoring Hanbei's glare. "Share your chips, you pig."

"M' not a pig," Hanbei grumbles.

Kanbei sits down on the armchair with his own bag of chips and snorts. "If you're not a pig, Hanbei, then Natsuki's not a cat lady."

"I'm not a cat lady, though," she says. "Three cats does not make me a cat lady."

"Yeah, it does," says Kanbei. "It totally does. Don't deny it. You're an old cat lady, Natsuki."

"We're all old, Kanbei." She sighs. "I swear, you guys are going to make everyone think that I'm your stereotypical old lady who sits around, knits, and participates in a book club."

Hanbei raises an eyebrow. "But you _do_ knit and go to book club, you guys have meetings every Friday."

"That's irrelevant." She waves her hand. "Anyways, I'm assuming Hikaru delivered my message?"

"No, he just came to our house to say 'hi' and we decided to come here for _no reason at all_." Kanbei laughs at the glare Natsuki sends his way. "Yes, he delivered the message. And the activator seals."

"Perfect," she replies, grinning. "You guys ready to go cause some chaos?"

"Always."

* * *

"Nice outfit, monkey man," says Natsuki, sitting down across from Hiruzen. He seemed to be adjusting remarkably well to the clown nose and oversized shoes. "New uniform? I'm a huge fan of the colors. They're very… bright."

She knows they're _definitely _getting some stares from the other patrons of the restaurant, but she doesn't care. This whole operation was too well planned to go without seeing the chaos in person. (Plus, the food here is good. Good food _and_ entertainment? Yeah, no way she's missing out on this.)

"Thank you, cat lady, but no, it's not a new uniform." Hiruzen replies, pouring himself some tea. "Actually, the new wardrobe was a gift from a friend of mine."

"Oh? Which friend?" Natsuki replies. "Do I know them?"

"I think you know know them rather well, actually." Hiruzen takes a sip of his tea, then sighs. "I'm assuming Hanbei and Kanbei are stalking Homura and Koharu?"

Natsuki snorts. "Do you even need to ask? Of course they are." In the distance, she hears the honking of horns mixed with the snickers of Hanbei and Kanbei. "In fact, I believe they'll be here in just a second. We all know Koharu and Homura _despise_ being late."

Natsuki glances at the clock and grins. "Hanbei and Kanbei planned it so they wouldn't have time to fix their wardrobe problem without being late to lunch."

Koharu and Homura walk in one after the other, each sporting their own clown outfit, complete with makeup, oversized shoes, and a clown nose. Every step they take is marked by the sound of a horn honking. Hanbei and Kanbei follow close behind them, grinning.

Koharu and Homura each take their seats at the table on either side of Hiruzen, while Hanbei and Kanbei sit down next to Natsuki. Team Tobirama dressed in matching clown outfits is quite the sight. So much so, that the waitress does a double take when she walks by their table and drops off a second pot of tea, likely wondering if she had drank a little too much the night before.

Homura looks as if he has resigned himself to his fate, and pours himself a cup of tea with a sigh. There are a few moments of awkward silence (if you ignore the twins' giggling), before Koharu glares at Natsuki and says, "You _bitch." _

Natsuki laughs. "Don't blame me, this was their idea." She points towards Hanbei and Kanbei.

Hanbei grins. Kanbei winks at Koharu and gives her a big thumbs up. "I trust you appreciate our masterpiece?" He ducks as Koharu pulls one of the hairpins out of her bun and throws it at him. "Wow, rude."

Kanbei pulls the hairpin out of the wall behind him, and places it into Natsuki's hand. He winks at her. "Finders keepers! It's mine now, but I figured you could use it more than I could, so I'm giving it to you. I'm sure it'd look rather nice in your bun."

Natsuki's sure that, by now, the owner of the teahouse they frequent is fed up with their shit, but she doesn't care. Everyone pays for anything they break, and in the long run, nobody is harmed.

* * *

A/N: Putting Team Tobirama in clown outfits made me cackle because I felt it was somewhat a bit of poetic justice for some of the shit they pulled in canon. Also, while doing some research on team Tobi, I found out hot damn they actually looked really nice as young adults. Also Hanbei and Kanbei are 100% old children. That is all. Thanks to those who reviewed/followed/fave'd!


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